PLAY THE JOKER By Mark Engels The rain hadn't stopped for days. Even umbrellas were of only marginal value; the drops impacted the pavement with sufficient force to split them into a coarse spray, soaking even those fortunate enough to have them. Moving through their drizzling environs were people representing all life's contingencies; pushers and peddlers, artists and addicts, the well-read and the illiterate, the hunters and the hunted, the rich and the poor, the joyful and the sorrowful. Huddled together, individual circumstances notwithstanding, most had only one thing on their mindsÉto get to where they were going, hoping to stay there long enough to dry off a bit. But others strode through the throng despite the endless skyborne siege; for these, any physical sensation the rain would normally induce was drowned out by their the white noise of their own musings. One of these ducked under an overhang in front of a restaurant long enough to shake most of the drizzle from its trenchcoat. Wringing out her boonie hat, once white but now quite dingy after too many walks in the rain, she stepped over to a door next to the restaurant's window. The fact that the awning obscured the sign above from view caused little concernÉanyone welcome here didn't need it. Her raven-black hair flew in all directions as she shook her head furiously, ridding it of the excess water. Deliberately ignoring the small mirror she kept in her handbag, she opened the door and went inside, slamming it shut behind her. She had not walked far down the dim corridor when she heard a familiar voice. "You're late", it said, its owner not caring to hide her impatience. "Yeah. I know", she replied, in a fashion more dismissive than remorseful. "Is everyone else here already?", she asked, wondering whether or not everyone would actually show as promised. "Barely. You knew we didn't know if Tamrin would show or not, but he walked in not even five minutes ago. None of my business, of course, just what you said to him, but I gotta hand it to you, Alita. It must have worked." The corners of Avid's mouth turned up slightly as Alita nodded, then excused herself to the changing room. There was still a lot of prep work to be done before the curtain went up, and time was working against them. Tonight's events, everyone hoped, would somehow bring closure to this chapter of their life experiences. This show would be one to remember; more conciliatory than celebretory in its intent, this show was a commemoration to a fallen comrade. --- The night wore on, the band playing like nothing had ever changed. But there was no hiding the obvious. Missing were those powerful vocals, those which gave the band its synergy, its energy, its power. Each of the members helped one another, including some spectacular five-person harmonies, but somehow, for some reason, it just wasn't the same. Thus, each knew that this was the last time ever they would play together. That fact only served to drive the members more, each one wanting this show to be their best performance ever. Even Tamrin's normally acrimonious demeanor had changed, although, Alita couldn't help but wonder if, all his machismo aside, he had come to terms with the situation as well as he let onÉ The smell of stale smoke grew more intense as the night grew older. After three sets and two intermissions, Drew had suggested they do their last number and be done with it. "I mean, don't think wrong of me, but let's face itÉwe've been pouring our guts out all night. Let's do it and get it done while we've still got the wherewithal to do it right, OK?", he had said during their last break. He'd been providing most of the voices that night, so he was a little hoarse when the time finally came to introduce their closing song. Nonchalantly, he turned the crowd over to Alita, the audience hanging on her every word. "Well, folks, you're all aware that this our last performance together. If you'll permit me, I'd like to say a few words before we wrap here." Seeing no objectors, Alita continued. "Our road hasn't been all fun and games, like many of you must think an artist's lifestyle is like. No, I can assure you all, we've had our ups and our downs, just like each one of you. But, we have had the chance to learn a lot about each other, and, God willing, a little about ourselves. Like me, for instance. I've learned that sometimes, your best just isn't enoughÉ" DAMMIT! Don't break down now! Deep breathsÉ She drew her breath in quickly to stifle the sobs that were building in the back of her throat. Looking around to her bandmates, she saw their eyes were all upon her. You can get through this, they said. We all can. Together. "We all knew that Lee was suffering so terribly, but none of us could seem to reach him. We took turns keeping watch over him during those last days. Just before his passing, Lee made us promise that his story would be told, that his struggle would not be forgotten; it was Lee's hope that some of you out there might not have to suffer his fate." Come on, AlitaÉalmost there! "So folks, this last song isn't one we wroteÉit's one Lee dug up on some ancient disc he'd stumbled across. It was his last wish that we play this song on our last night together, and, finally, the time has come. It's called 'From Within' ". Thank God. Now, time to do it! All eyes were on Alita as she led the band into their final number. "Listen up, folksÉthis one's for Lee.". One...two...three...four.... The steel flute's melancholy permeated the stale air. Raisa's own breath became music, ebbing and flowing to create the perfect setting for the story the song told. Alita had set her synthesizer's output to mimic that of a grand piano; deftly moving her hands over the keyboard, she began: I am bad. I am evil. I am winter. I am pain. I'll mess up your life. I'll beat up your wife. I'll lose all your friends, and I'll win in the end. So you--play the joker and I'll play the clown, and I'll laugh while you're up there, and I'll laugh when you're down. Though your screams break the silence but they won't make a sound. La lalala la la la laaa Alita's mind was strung taut as she focused on the next verse. Had she taken notice, she would have seen Drew, Raisa, Tamrin and Avid all similarly absorbed. I will rise. I will take you. I will break you; never let you go! I'll shoot through your veins. I'll drive you insane. I'll poison your breath, and I'll love you to death! So you--be the joker, and I'll be the clown, and you'll laugh when you're up there, but you'll cry when you're down. Though your screams break the silence but they won't make a sound. La lalala la la la laaaa. Alita went into the piano solo with tempered fury, not to hard, but forceful. Powerful. Lee's story needed telling. Tears began to stream down the sides of her face, the steel gray under her eyes glistening red, green and blue from the stage lights. She poured her whole heart into the act, using the music to purge from her soul her own feelings of culpabilityÉ Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh So you--PLAY THE JOKER! And I'll play the clown, and I'll laugh while you're up there, and I'll laugh when you're down. Though your screams break the silence but they won't make a sound. La lalala la la la laaaa. La lalala la la la laaaa. La lalala la la la laaaa--- OHH! Tamrin and Raisa brought them home, their guitar and steel flute landing on the last note hard to coincide with the end of Alita's last measure. Half a second later Drew laid on his bass drum petal with both feet, marking the ballad's conclusion. Alita surveyed the faces of her bandmates. She could tell each felt just as spent as she did, but their faces wore looks of subdued contentment. As their eyes met, Alita felt a lightness she had not felt ever since Lee's death. The baggage wasn't so heavy, now, for she knew in her heart of hearts, Lee's spirit had been exonerated. In so realizing, in that instant, she forgave herselfÉ Perhaps that was the whole point all along. Coming back to herself, she scanned the audience quickly. There was not a dry eye in the house. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------